Chemo #5 and Chris Rice

So, on the morning after my biopsy in June, I was in so much pain that I had Mike drive me to the pharmacy to get my pain pill prescription filled. On the way there, I'm trying to be so strong and not cry, and I hear this song by Chris Rice "Come to Jesus." I couldn't help but listen to the words and I felt like this song was written just for me....and the tears flowed freely. Every time I am in the car and I have that station on, I hear it now. Here are the lyrics:

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O raise your head for love is passing by
come to Jesus
come to Jesus
come to Jesus, and live

now your burden's lifted
and carried far away
and precious blood has washed away the stain, so
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus
sing to Jesus, and live

and like a newborn baby
don't be afraid to crawl
and remember when you walk
sometimes we fall, so
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus
fall on Jesus, and live

Sometimes the way is lonely
and steep and filled with pain
so if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus
cry to Jesus, and live

O, and when the love spills over
and music fills the night
and when you can't contain the joy inside, then
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus
dance for Jesus, and live

and with your final heartbeat
kiss the world goodbye
then go in peace, and laugh on glory's side, and
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus
fly to Jesus, and live!!!

This song just means so much to me as I feel like I wouldn't be able to get through this time in my life without falling on Jesus, and yet dancing for Jesus at the same time. I've been given this horrible thing called cancer so I fall on Jesus, but at a time where we welcome another beautiful baby into our home, so then I dance for Jesus. In the midst of darkness and sadness, God continues to bless us each and every day.

Chemo #5 was yesterday, with my Neulasta shot today. I'm pretty tired today, but I forced myself to go to yoga tonight and came home feeling much better. Mike started school yesterday, so I need prayers to keep my energy up to deal with the kiddos all day. No more free naps for me!!! I know a lot of people thing yoga is weird and 'eastern,' but I have always loved it, and I really feel like it is a form of exercise that I can continue to do through all of this that still builds strength. Plus, the little time of rest at the end is WONDERFUL!!! :)

One more round of chemo and I am halfway done!!! I truly feel blessed to not be experiencing a lot of side effects that others experience. I just keep thinking that there must be so many people praying for me and God is hearing all of your prayers!!!! Thanks again for all of your kind words and prayers. Much love to you all!!!

So, I'm sorry that it has been a little while since I blogged last....this summer is just flying by!! Here are a few pictures from our recent trip to the zoo.

I had a treatment again last week Wednesday, and I've felt pretty good. I haven't had any severe bone pain like the last time, which is an answer to prayer. I felt great the day of chemo, so I decided that it's time for me to start exercising again. Well, the mosquitoes are so bad here that I can't walk without getting attacked, so I decided to hop on my bike. Well, I lasted only 3 miles and came back home. My muscles are so weak!!! Yikes! I didn't sleep hardly at all that night and still felt pretty good on Thursday so I decided to go to a yoga class. It felt soooo great to stretch and attempt to strengthen, but man, once again, I am so weak!!! Friday came around and I felt pretty tired and achy - probably a combination of being sore from yoga and the chemo/Neulasta side effects. I took a long nap on Friday and felt much better.

All weekend I have kind of been waiting for that horrible pain to come back, but it hasn't yet, so I think I'm in the clear!! Yay! Today has been such a gorgeous day outside and I've felt really good today. I took a small walk this morning with my boys and hopefully we can get out again tonight after dinner for another one.

This week we have friends from out of town coming to visit, which I have been looking forward to all summer! It looks like it is supposed to be gorgeous outside all week, so it should be a great week. (it would be great even if it rained everyday!!)

Thanks again for all of your kind words and prayers - much love to you all!!

Hey everyone - well, first of all, Mike and I had a great time at Wicked on Saturday night (thanks so much to Margaret for watching our kiddos!!!). I felt well that day and we really enjoyed the show. :)

Sunday we had a great day - we went to church and then went to some friend's house for lunch and had a great time. On Monday morning, I woke up feeling some increased pain in my back by my epidural site, but I tried to ignore it and we decided to go to Grandma Mary's pool (our "adopted" Wisconsin Grandma). ;) While we were there, my pain kept getting worse, until I could hardly stand it anymore - it was really weird pain - throbbing deep in my back that would shoot up to the back of my neck at the base of my skull. So we left for home after lunchtime and I thought I was going to lose it - I have never had pain that bad in my life. I would have rather been in labor with 10 more children than to go through that again. I started freaking out a little bit, thinking I could have an infection (my WBCs are so low, that's it is totally possible), meningitis, or a leak in my spinal fluid from being poked 4 times for my epidural. I was in too much pain to call the Dr., so Mike called Dr. Lee (OB) and he said to come right in. Well, thanks again to Margaret and Rachel, they came over to watch the kiddos last minute and we went in to see Dr. Lee. He assessed me and didn't really know what to say. He talked to the anesthesiologist and my oncologist, and they all are pretty sure that this is from my Neulasta shot that I got last week Thursday. (to increase WBC's to fight infection) That was a relief to me, but I was still in so much pain - so I had to start taking my pain pills again. Ughh. So, by Tuesday the pain started getting a little bit better and Wednesday I would only have short periods of pain. Thank God!!! Hopefully these symptoms don't come every time I get the shot, which will be the day after each chemo treatment.

Today, I was feeling much better, so we went to the zoo this morning with the whole family. I will try to post some pictures on here eventually.

My hair is for sure starting to fall out, but it is still pretty thick. It's coming out a lot slower than I expected, which is kind of torturous, but at least I can keep my hair for a little longer. I have mixed emotions about that - sometimes, I don't really care and am looking forward to wearing my new pink scarf that I ordered (thanks Bridget!), and other times I get really depressed about being bald. I guess this is to be expected....

Thanks again for all of your thoughts and prayers...much love, Kara

Blah

Well, one good day, one blah day....

Yesterday I felt so great that I probably over-did things, so this morning when I woke up, I felt kind of blah. I was having some friends over for a playdate this morning, so that helped me feel better, but once they all left, I kind of felt like a train had run me over. So, off to bed I went, which was not comfortable with this crazy port in my neck....a little more painful again today, but once again, I don't take the advice of "rest" very well. (my husband says I'm stubborn...I don't know if I agree...) My appetite isn't the greatest today either. BUT, I'm not nauseous at all, which is an answer to prayer. I guess the best way to describe how I feel today is like I have the flu - really achy (spelling??) and tired. I shouldn't complain - there are a couple of other girls I have come to know that aren't faring so well with their chemo, so I should be grateful that these are the only side effects so far. (and it's probably my own fault for not "taking it easy.")

So, tomorrow night Mike and I are supposed to go see Wicked...I'm super excited and we have been wanting to see it for years and it's finally in Milwaukee!! So, that is our belated anniversary gift to each other. I hope I feel well enough tomorrow night to enjoy myself. Have a great weekend everyone!

round 3 of chemo complete!

Hey y'all - well, my port is feeling much much better. Yay! It worked great for chemo yesterday and it started feeling less sore yesterday afternoon. So, I tried to sleep in my bed last night and woke up with it pretty sore again today. But, not nearly as sore as before, so I went about my normal activities....I actually had a lot of energy this morning so I cleaned, baked some zucchini bread with the plentiful zucchini from our garden, and had coffee with a great friend from work. Overall, it was a fabulous morning.

I had to go back into the dr's office today for the rest of my chemo (yesterday they started the Bleomycin, but they only gave me a test dose to see if I would have any reactions to it...I didn't, so I had to go back in today to get the full dose). They also started me on Neulasta since my white blood cells are pretty low and they don't want me getting sick. Anyways, since this dr's visit would be short, I decided to take Hannah with me. She sat in the recliner with me while I got the rest of my chemo, and we worked on a little workbook called "When someone I love has cancer." It was given to her in a backpack from the cancer center with all sorts of crafty things and a stuffed animal...super cute and thoughtful. Anyways, it's a little workbook that explains to kids what cancer is and how it is fixed and the different emotions that go with it. All in all, Hannah totally understands and we had nice mom/daughter time. I feel like it's important these days to have those one-on-one times with her - she sees me tired and I can't give her my full attention, especially with a new baby and all of the dr. appointments, so those special times with her mean a lot.

Well, my energy has finally hit it's peak for the day and I'm ready to go lay on the couch. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers....they are totally working!!! Much love to you all!

Ouch

So, I had my port placed today - and all I can say is "Ouch". I feel like I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but yep, this one hurts. I'm very very grateful to whoever was brilliant enough to invent pain pills, but even those aren't taking away all of the pain. So, I'm off to laying, rather propping myself up on the couch with lots of pillows and a bag of frozen veggies on my neck. It will be great for chemo tomorrow to have this - no more pokes for blood draws or iv's!!!!! Yay! Mike will have to drop me off and pick me up tomorrow since I will be doped up on meds, but I'm looking forward to their comfy recliner and peace and quiet listening to my iPod. :) Anyways, I'll update again later this week, but just wanted to let you all know that everything went fine today. AND, my headaches are much better lately - thanks for praying!!!! Have a great night!

Mood swings

Momma with her 3 kiddos :)

So, I apologize in advance for a not-so-positive blog post, but I'm struggling today a little bit. I have tried so hard to remain positive through all of this, but today it seems to have caught up with me. Who knows if this is all because of my hormones post-baby or stress just getting the best of me, but I'm not having a great day today. I'm hoping that venting a little bit here will help, so bear with me.

First, I've been struggling with headaches since Micah was born, and I remember (more like Mike reminds me) that I had these after the other 2 kids too, but these headaches seem to be a little bit more debilitating that others. Tylenol and Motrin are not helping at all, and I refuse to take anything stronger because then I just waste more time sleeping. So, I'm asking for prayers that my headaches will go away soon.

Second, I am pretty sure that my hair is starting to fall out. My head (this isn't helping my headache either) feels like I've had a pony tail in too tight for too long - you know that feeling when you take it out and your hair hurts?? That's how my whole head feels right now and when I rake my fingers through it, I get at least 10 hairs in my hand. This isn't really helping my mood either. I knew it was going to happen, but it still stinks when it actually does happen.

And selfishly, third, I feel like this whole Hodgkins disease is stealing my summer from me and my maternity leave from me. I guess I thought I could pop out a baby and feel normal again right away and enjoy my summer and my baby, but today my energy is gone. I try to "take it easy" like everyone tells me to do, but then I have to admit to myself that I have cancer and I can't do everything that I want to do. So I force myself to get up and do something, but then just get more tired in the process.

BUT, in all of this, I have to remind myself of all of the blessings I have in my life. There are too many to type out, but here are the highlights:

*I have a God that loves me and takes care of me no matter what, and He has complete control over all of this.

*I have a wonderful, loving husband who has more energy than I can imagine right now, who doesn't need to be asked to do laundry, clean or love our children.

*I have 3 beautiful children who love me with hair or no hair.

*Our house is still standing despite our tree falling on it last night, we have a dry basement after 8 inches of rain, and we have air-conditioning. :)

*We have a support-system of family and friends that overwhelms me everyday with loving words and actions.

OK, I feel better already - I guess it is expected to have ups and downs through all of this, but sometimes its hard to admit that I'm human and am having a crummy day. I hope and pray that you all have a great weekend. --Kara