overdue update

Hey! So, it's been a while! I have been trying to be a 'normal' mom/wife again, but man, I'm still tired!! I started a boot-camp class to try to start losing some of this baby weight that is still hanging around on my belly and thighs, and this class is at 530 am, so that probably isn't helping my fatigue. Plus, I'm back to working 2-12 hour night shifts every weekend, so I'm tired from that too. It's great to be back at work....doing what I love, and making some money helps too. :)

I had an Ultrasound of the blood vessels in my neck/chest last Thursday, and that afternoon, Dr. Anderson called me to tell me that the blood clot is still there in my internal jugular vein, but the clots in my subclavian are totally dissolved. So, bad news: I have to continue Lovenox shots for 4-6 more months. Boo. He said that I could switch to Coumadin (a pill), but that is so hard to control the levels (blood draws constantly) and certain foods and medications interact with Coumadin, so I chose to stay on the Lovenox. Not the end of the world, but I was hoping that my stomach could have a break from looking like one big bruise.

Other than the fatigue still hanging around and shooting my belly everyday, I feel like I am starting to get back to normal, sort of. I still have weird pangs of pain in my chest, especially with deep breaths, but i have a feeling that I will have that forever due to the scar tissue that is and will always be hanging out in there. My eyelashes and eyebrows are growing back in, and I actually had my hair cut and highlighted on last Monday. I really like my new hair, and get a lot of compliments on how it 'shapes my face' and how 'sassy' it is. :) I really like being called 'sassy' because i don't really feel like I am a sassy girl!! :)

Emotionally, I feel like I am starting to feel the anxiety that I never felt when I was going through all of the treatments/tests etc. Now, I don't know if it is some postpartum anxiety coming on again (I had problems with this after having Collin, and it was around the 7 month mark then too) or a combination of cancer and postpartum together. The anxiety comes in many forms for me - anxiety about the cancer coming back, about getting other cancers, about other family members and their health, about being a good mom and wife, about little things like housework and being unorganized. I have a hard time letting go of this and giving up to God. At times I get so overwhelmed, that all I can do is take a few deep breaths and just pray that God gets me through.

So, my prayer requests are this: for my anxiety and that I can trust wholly and completely in God's plan for my life, and that I have the energy and motivation to be the wife and mom that my family needs.

2) prayers of praise for my friend in Ohio, Laura, who has been going through these treatments with me and just got the "all clear" from her Dr. Love you Laura!!!

3) prayers for a girl in DC who is in the same boat that I was- 33 weeks pregnant and diagnosed with Lymphoma. Prayers for wisdom for the dr's and the decisions of when to deliver the baby and start her treatments etc.

Have a great week, everyone. I thank you all for reading this and praying for me. :)

all done!

I can't put into words how amazing it feels to say that I am all done with cancer treatments!!!! Radiation finished on Thursday, so now I just have to get rid of the Lovenox shots in my belly and I will feel like a 'normal' person again! The only lingering effects are fatigue (this might take a while to get rid of), a rash on my chest from the radiation, and still a little pain with swallowing. I meet with Dr.Anderson tomorrow to see how long he wants me to take these blood thinning shots, and if he wants me to be on a blood-thinner long-term, like Coumadin. I would rather not have to be on Coumadin, but I really don't want to have any more clots, so we will see what he says.

Being back to work has been interesting....I had been doing ok up until this weekend. I had to float to another floor, where I was running all night and truly felt my fatigue when I tried to wake up on Saturday. Normally, after working a 12 hour Friday night shift, I would sleep until 1230ish and get up on Saturday. Ha! I tried that and felt like I had been run over by a truck. I think that it might take a while for me to be able to bounce back again. So, I went back to bed and wasn't a very energetic date to Mike when we went to the Bucks game that night. :( Hopefully, as my energy comes back, it will be easier to recover from working the weekend. I have only been doing 12 hours a weekend since January, so I think I might try going back to my normal 24 hour weekend this coming weekend.

Well, I don't feel like I have anything profound to say today....I hope you are all having a great day today. Thanks again for all of your prayers. :)

I have a flat chest again...haha...not really, but PORT FREE!!!!!

So, my port came out today without any complications. No problems with the clot (that is still there, but already getting smaller!) or no signs of infection, just inflammation. I can't take my dressing off for 3 days, but my neck already feels better without that weird cord running up my jugular vein. My pain in my neck is already drastically improved, just a little sore still from them opening me up again.

Thanks to all who watched my kids last minute this week (Paige and Twyla and Heidi for giving Paige formula!) and for all of your thoughts and prayers. Only 3 more days of radiation and we are DONE!!!!! :)

Clots, Clots and more clots....

So....things have been a little crazy over here lately. Last week my neck was hurting a lot right above my port, and I asked the radiation nurse about it and she thought maybe it was just muscular, like a stiff neck. Ok, so I thought I would give it more time, even though my port wasn't drawing my blood as well as it had been. Well, it kept getting worse. By Saturday morning, it was swollen, really painful and warm to the touch. I called the oncologists, medical and radiation, but of course, my doctors weren't on over the weekend. The 2 doctors I did talk to blew me off like it was no big deal. FRUSTRATING. So, I ended up going to the ER on Sunday morning, totally self-diagnosing myself with a clot in my jugular vein. Sure enough, after an ultrasound, there is a clot. BUT, they can't just take my port out because they don't want the clot to disslodge and go into my lung, which would be a major problem. So, the prescribed Lovenox shots for me to give to myself in my belly. Yippee. Well, things got worse this morning...I hardly slept last night because it hurt so bad, even after 2 pain pills. So, after radiation this morning, I called my medical oncologist (he's the one running the show on this) and he said that we need to take the port out soon, either today or tomorrow. So, I basically freaked out not knowing what to do with my kids and how to figure all of this out. (Things would have been a little bit easier if I hadn't lost my cell phone on monday....grr.) So, the surgeon called me and he wants to wait to take it out until Friday morning, since I have been on blood thinners, and they don't really want me bleeding a ton when they cut me open and take out the port. I was hoping we could take it out sooner because of the amount of pain this stupid thing is causing me. I am having trouble swallowing at times and can't really take care of the kids very well because I can't move my neck very well. I ended up having a CT this afternoon to make sure the swelling wasn't going to occlude my airway and to see if there was another mass growing, and the CT was fine in that regards. So, thankfully, the kids will be at a sitter tomorrow and I will have this thing taken out Friday morning. My radiation is on hold until Monday - I only have 3 more left, so now I'll be done on Wednesday. I am sooooo looking forward to being done with all of this! So, that's that. Just another bump in the road. God keeps poking me, testing me over and over again, and I can only get stronger because of it, right??

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So, I chatted with the Dr. today for a little while and I was misinformed at the beginning of treatments...I thought I would have 17 total treatments, but instead, I will be having 20. So, instead of being done on the 26th, I'll be done on the 31st. He is going to use the last 3 treatments as "boost" radiation, more localized to the area of my original mass. I was/am a little disappointed, but at this point, what's 3 more days? Really, it's nothing compared to 6 months of chemo and throwing a baby in there too... :)

I'm starting to feel some side effects from the radiation - my skin is a little pink on my chest, but my main side effect is pain with swallowing. I'm prone to some acid reflux to begin with, and this feels like constant reflux/heartburn. I'm having troubles swallowing meat (that I have to chew...we had meatloaf tonight and that was fine) and bread. The Dr. wants to give me some nasty stuff to drink to ease the pain, so we will see. Right now, I feel like I can live with it and I don't mind eating oatmeal, cottage cheese and soup a lot, but if it gets any worse, I guess I will have to succumb to taking more medication.

Dr. Blacher and all of the nurses keep asking if I'm feeling fatigued, but really, how do I know if it's from the treatments, being back at work, or just trying to be a wife and mom?? So, yep, I'm fatigued, but I don't have a clue if it's from the radiation. BUT, I'm nowhere near as fatigued as I was during chemo. :)

Well, I don't have a whole lot else to say...my kids are getting too big too fast.... Hannah turns 5 next month, and Collin is just hilarious. I wish he could stay this age forever. Micah is sitting up by himself and is starting to army crawl around...pretty soon my baby will no longer be a baby! Basketball season is almost done for Mike (he coaches), which I am excited about. :)

Well, I guess I should go to bed...thanks for reading all of my ramblings and for all of your prayers!

Getting there...

Well, we are getting there...almost done. Radiation is going well so far - I haven't noticed any side effects at all yet, except that my skin on my chest and back is a little bit pinker than usual. I have more energy now than I have had in the last 7 months, but am still tired. I'm sure that part of it is being back at work and having 3 small children, so it's hard to know if any of it is from the radiation. My mornings are kind of crazy - I want to get all the kids dressed, fed, and the house picked up before the babysitter comes at 8 so I can make it to radiation by 8:30 (plus, I have to be showered and dressed and fed). So by the time I get home again, I am already sick of running around. Oh well, only 9 more days of this! I'm soo soo grateful to all of the ladies that are coming to watch my kids every morning....it is so helpful instead of bringing them somewhere....I would have to be up at 5 instead of 6!

Thanks for all of your prayers about going back to work...it has been going well and last weekend I took more of a normal assignment of patients and it went just fine. I had been worrying about nothing....it all came back to me the minute I walked back into the hospital. My coworkers are fabulous and I am grateful to have a job that I love. Physically, it was a little challenging as my body is not used to being up all night anymore or being on my feet for 12 hours, so after working this last Saturday night I was a little sore. But, that will get better soon too.

So on Monday I celebrated my 30th birthday...crazy how fast life flies by. Mike surprised (or tried to surprise) :) me with a large group of people at a restaurant called Firefly. It was a lot of fun and it was very thoughtful of Mike to plan it for me. I have been so blessed with a loving husband and awesome friends.

Something I have been challenging myself with lately is cherishing every moment of every day and living life to the fullest. I feel like this is how God would want us to live the life that He has blessed us with. Steven Curtis Chapman sang at a woman's retreat I went to last year, and his wife wrote a book about losing their daughter. In it, she talks about how looking back, she would have spent less time cleaning and stressing out about that stuff, and more time coloring, hugging, reading etc. (my friend Shelly actually read this at MOPS on Tuesday, and I have been thinking about this ever since that retreat! It's crazy how God works sometimes!) So, my challenge to myself is to not worry about non-important things throughout my day...things will eventually get done. But instead, I'm trying to spend more time coloring with Hannah, reading books with Collin, and rolling around on the floor with Micah etc. Because in the end, when I'm spending eternity with Jesus, I'm not going to wish I had finished all of the laundry/dishes everday. Easy to say, but difficult to do in our humanity and sin.

So, as I finish radiation and look forward to moving on with my life cancer free, I challenge all of you who are reading this to make the effort to see the blessings in your life everyday - the kingdom of God here on earth. Not just the big blessings, but the little ones too- children's giggles, the smell of coffee, a warm blanket on a cold snowy day, the taste of chocolate. (that's a big blessing for me... :)

Much love to you all!

quick update

Hey all - So I just wanted to give you a quick update before the big stuff starts happening again! First of all, we had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends. We hope that all of you enjoyed celebrating Jesus' birthday with us!

I am feeling pretty much back to normal! I had a cold over Christmas, but now that that is clearing up, I feel like I have my energy back (almost completely). :) So, I decided to go back to work starting this Saturday, which is the 1st of the year. I figured I might as well get a shift in before I start radiation, which is Monday the 3rd. Monday will be a trial run and then Tuesday will be the actual radiation. I'm excited to start this and be done with it all!

So just a few requests for prayer: 1)that my "nurse brain" comes back when I go back to work on Saturday...I have been off since mid-June and I worry that I have forgotten everything!
2) that I don't get too pooped working all night on Saturday so that I have energy to take care of the kids again on Monday and 3) that radiation will go well with minimal side effects.

Thanks again for following my blog and for praying for me and my family....we all appreciate it! :)